"I can see that even when I’ve joined various communities, most often for sports or hiking, I tend to be stand-offish. I don’t greet people, I don’t invite them to do things afterward. I think I still carry this belief that for some mysterious reason, I am not particularly likeable."
Ufff, this struck a tender chord and a realization that I too have been palpably carrying this baseline assumption into all the groups and communities I've been so authentically trying to show up in. Thank you for the inspiration to nudge myself to assume people are reasonably interested in me and simply respond by being interested in them - I'm going to take this into my week and see if I can find and feel a bit more connection!
I’ve been trying to focus on making people comfortable around me instead of thinking about whether or not I’m comfortable around them. It’s a small shift in focus…we’ll see how it goes. Good luck!
I don't think we want to be alone, but it's the default option - and we even grow to like it - when we cannot find people to be with (or they cannot find us).
I think the costs of relationships (romantic, platonic) are such that someone needs such high "returns" to want to be in one. I don't know if it's possible to realize these, let alone in a sustained fashion.
I enjoy reading your essays, but there's a particular reason I liked this one: it communicates the realities of very many people who cannot write this well to narrate what plagues them. They cannot find what they want, and they fear this could change them into structuring their lives to do without it.
Most people read an essay like this one and they say nothing, and you might think they didn't like it. But they do; they just have this feeling of "I don't know what to say." They see some truths and realities they don't have answer to.
Thanks for this, Leah. Glad that this sharing is helping you, and I'm sure it's proving very helpful to a lot more people than you think.
I always look forward to your comments, Patrick! And you captured it: "they cannot find what they want, and they fear this could change them into structuring their lives to do without it." That's exactly my fear! We settle for what we think is available to us in life rather than go after what we really want, simply because we're afraid we'll never find it – beliefs, fears, and stories we tell ourselves about the world drive our actions.
I'm always so thrilled when anyone gets anything out of what I write. Thanks for your encouragement, as always!
'...more than one person told me that they could sense a sadness in me.'
I think that's one core aspect of being human, that is, we're hardwired to seek social connections, despite the fact that we may be uncomfortable pursuing such connections and feel more comfortable being alone.
I think so, at least for the vast majority of us. It's kind of like how all human cultures tell stories...that's just part of the experience of being human. We seek community.
I also enjoy your essays and find them personally useful. I am in a very different place, but I have my own tests. I am approaching the end of a successful career and have been married 39 years. My wife is my main caregiver after some major health issues ( heart attack, stroke). However we have essentially no intimacy. Certainly not sex, although we once had a good active sex life, we have now been over 24 years without sex. This apparently arose mainly from a single incident of my seeming to reject her. Now age has added itself to the problem. I love her very much but do not find her sexually attractive. I can’t speak to her feelings as we have never talked about it. As a result, we have basically a hands off relationship. I crave intimacy but I would hate to hurt her by going outside my marriage to find a partner.
That sounds very difficult and I'm sorry you're going through that! Hopefully, you can have a conversation about it as there could be another perspective on everything. Long-term relationships can be so complex.
Despite your continued condition of serial aloneness, I feel like you have made,true advances in self awareness and particularly in identifying your strong desire not to age alone. That is a real start and now if you can open yourself more you should find a satisfying relationship.
This is a great story.I have had near mirrors in my own life. Like the time a girl came with me to my dorm room in a storm and spent the night in my (top) bunk while I stayed sleepless and sexually frustrated on the couch. I was doomed to two more years of virginity and never saw her again.
Hmm that’s an interesting thought. I do think academics tend to fall in love with each other’s work, but most can still separate it from the person. I remain still very much in love with some of the beautiful scholarship I’ve encountered!
"I can see that even when I’ve joined various communities, most often for sports or hiking, I tend to be stand-offish. I don’t greet people, I don’t invite them to do things afterward. I think I still carry this belief that for some mysterious reason, I am not particularly likeable."
Ufff, this struck a tender chord and a realization that I too have been palpably carrying this baseline assumption into all the groups and communities I've been so authentically trying to show up in. Thank you for the inspiration to nudge myself to assume people are reasonably interested in me and simply respond by being interested in them - I'm going to take this into my week and see if I can find and feel a bit more connection!
I’ve been trying to focus on making people comfortable around me instead of thinking about whether or not I’m comfortable around them. It’s a small shift in focus…we’ll see how it goes. Good luck!
I don't think we want to be alone, but it's the default option - and we even grow to like it - when we cannot find people to be with (or they cannot find us).
I think the costs of relationships (romantic, platonic) are such that someone needs such high "returns" to want to be in one. I don't know if it's possible to realize these, let alone in a sustained fashion.
I enjoy reading your essays, but there's a particular reason I liked this one: it communicates the realities of very many people who cannot write this well to narrate what plagues them. They cannot find what they want, and they fear this could change them into structuring their lives to do without it.
Most people read an essay like this one and they say nothing, and you might think they didn't like it. But they do; they just have this feeling of "I don't know what to say." They see some truths and realities they don't have answer to.
Thanks for this, Leah. Glad that this sharing is helping you, and I'm sure it's proving very helpful to a lot more people than you think.
I always look forward to your comments, Patrick! And you captured it: "they cannot find what they want, and they fear this could change them into structuring their lives to do without it." That's exactly my fear! We settle for what we think is available to us in life rather than go after what we really want, simply because we're afraid we'll never find it – beliefs, fears, and stories we tell ourselves about the world drive our actions.
I'm always so thrilled when anyone gets anything out of what I write. Thanks for your encouragement, as always!
'...more than one person told me that they could sense a sadness in me.'
I think that's one core aspect of being human, that is, we're hardwired to seek social connections, despite the fact that we may be uncomfortable pursuing such connections and feel more comfortable being alone.
I think so, at least for the vast majority of us. It's kind of like how all human cultures tell stories...that's just part of the experience of being human. We seek community.
I also enjoy your essays and find them personally useful. I am in a very different place, but I have my own tests. I am approaching the end of a successful career and have been married 39 years. My wife is my main caregiver after some major health issues ( heart attack, stroke). However we have essentially no intimacy. Certainly not sex, although we once had a good active sex life, we have now been over 24 years without sex. This apparently arose mainly from a single incident of my seeming to reject her. Now age has added itself to the problem. I love her very much but do not find her sexually attractive. I can’t speak to her feelings as we have never talked about it. As a result, we have basically a hands off relationship. I crave intimacy but I would hate to hurt her by going outside my marriage to find a partner.
That sounds very difficult and I'm sorry you're going through that! Hopefully, you can have a conversation about it as there could be another perspective on everything. Long-term relationships can be so complex.
Despite your continued condition of serial aloneness, I feel like you have made,true advances in self awareness and particularly in identifying your strong desire not to age alone. That is a real start and now if you can open yourself more you should find a satisfying relationship.
This is a great story.I have had near mirrors in my own life. Like the time a girl came with me to my dorm room in a storm and spent the night in my (top) bunk while I stayed sleepless and sexually frustrated on the couch. I was doomed to two more years of virginity and never saw her again.
ha! some of us are more clueless than others!
I certainly was the essence of clueless! Also, I had a puritanical roommate!
Hmm that’s an interesting thought. I do think academics tend to fall in love with each other’s work, but most can still separate it from the person. I remain still very much in love with some of the beautiful scholarship I’ve encountered!
Very much welcome!